Today I decided to take a ride on my motorcycle into the mountains.  I have been up there before about 8 months ago before the fires and the previous rains.  As I drove up the road I could see where the fires had been and because of it, I saw where mudslides have been because of the rain.  I thought of a song that James Taylor wrote, "Fire and Rain".  The song ran through my head while I was driving and I finally came to a place to stop and think.  I got off my motorcycle and walked until I heard the river running through the small canyon.  That exact river before was just a creek 8 months ago.

Next week I turn 57 and the following week I am suppose to celebrate my one year wedding anniversary.  The last few years have been very rough on me health wise plus my mental and emotions have also been affected.  Sep. 4, 2008 I had open heart surgery (quadruple bypass) and that affected me in so many ways.  I was so scared and my fiance at the time was waiting for me after the surgery even though I was heavily sedated.  She came after work everyday to be with me.  Once I came home, I had to sleep on the couch because that was the only place I could get out of bed.  Just last week I was given a monitor from the V.A. to monitor my blood sugar levels.  I have gone through male menopause and my testosterone is very low.  The man that my wife knew over 6 years ago has changed because all I have gone through and it has been very difficult for her and sometimes unbearable.  I tell her over and over again what has happen to me and sometimes I wonder why she does not understand or will not understand.

Three days before Christmas last year I checked myself into the West LA VA emergency psychiatric ward so I did not bring harm to myself and someone else.  Lets just say he is related to my wife.  From July of last year to the present has been one of the worse part of my life and all the challenges and suffering I have gone through and yet through it all I have survived but do not ask me how because it was so bad at times I did not want to deal with it.

I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and tired of the fight and the inner demons that are constantly attacking me and reminding me of how I once was and what I am now.  I have no place to go or no one to listen to me.  I want someone to help me and save me from myself and those around who are more worried about their wants and needs than those of mine.

I wake up everyday, unemployed and wonder why no one wants to hire me or use my services since those I have worked with tell me that I am very good at what I do.  I have gone through so many jobs in the last 6 years and have not worked for over 20 months.  All this went through my mind as I looked at the majesty of the mountains and listen and watch the river run throught the small canyon.  I saw the green on the mountains where the fires had been as it slowly recoverd and how quickly they clean up the mudslides that had blocked the road.

I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and try anything to get a job or even get more clients for my own business.  I know that there is an answer out there to all I am going through and need to have patience for it because I have lost focus and desire for what I seek and need.  One day it will be there when I least expect and I cannot wait for that day to happen.